In the News

We get the newspaper in my home because of me.

I am the one who orders it

and I am the one who reads it.

My mom is a newspaper reader

so I must get it from her.

She sometimes reads the newspaper back to front

and I use to laugh at her because of it.

Now sometimes I catch myself

reading the newspaper back to front.

Recently my newspaper made some changes

and the front page is now

"magazine" style instead of "newspaper" style.

I didn't like it at first.

It bugged me.

Now I like it better though

because it is easier to read that way.

Especially when you are sitting in a chair

and not at a table.

Now it bugs me that the rest of the newspaper

is still newspaper style.

Another thing that bugs me is that the comics

and the Sudoku puzzle

are now in the sports section.

I read the newspaper.

My sons read the sports section

and it has a habit of disappearing.

Actually, it doesn't disappear.

I know exactly where it is -

on the floor in their bathroom.

It just makes it more difficult for me

to read that section

(and do MY sudoku)

when it's not with the rest of the paper.

There are certain parts of the paper

that I read in depth,

parts where I browse the headlines and

parts that I pretty much ignore.

This morning I had read most of my newspaper

and I had learned some interesting things

and had had some profound thoughts.

If underwear is worn as outerwear,

which is apparently the new trend,

does it then cease to be underwear?

What do we call it then?

If the minorities in the US

become the majority of its citizens

then are they still considered minorities?

Today the National Archives released

the OSS (Office of Strategic Services)

personnel files of 24,000 individuals

who served the US in an international spy ring
during World War II.

This organization was a precursor to the CIA.

Some of the names on the list

were famed chef Julia Childs

(the oldest son performed

a very entertaining impersonation

of "Julia the Spy"

after I shared this information with him.),

supreme court justice Arthur Goldberg,

and two of President Theodore Roosevelt's sons,

Quentin and Kermit.

I get a laugh out of "Kermit the Spy".

For some reason I picture him wearing green

and infiltrating Ireland.

The average valley household in the Phoenix area spends $693 on alcohol in a year.

I wonder where my $693 dollars went?

I certainly didn't spend it on alcohol.

I probably spent it on diet soda. Is that any better?

Cindy McCain suffered a mild sprain to her wrist

when someone was a little zealous

in the hand shaking on the campaign trail.

We need to get her coming to a Mormon church

to build up those hand shaking muscles.

A father accidentally ran over his daughter.

Sad, but it sometimes happens,

just usually not when the daughter is 21 years old.

Makes the "accidental" part

a tiny bit harder to believe

for a mother of adult children.

I learned a new term - Staycation.

This is when gas costs so much that you choose

to have your vacation very close to home.

I was just finishing up my reading and

getting ready to do MY sudoku

when the eldest son absconded with the sports section.

Since I was feeling lazy and

not wanting to do anything productive

I decided to read some of the newspaper

that I don't frequently read

while I waited for him to finish.

I chose the Legal Notices.

Who really reads the legal notices?

I hope John Doe does

because almost everyone of them pertains to him.

How do you think "John Doe"

became the fictitious name of choice?

Do you think there are any

actual John Does in the world?

Why in the legal notices are

women referred to as "John" Doe as well?

I also hope dead people read the legal notices

because if Clarence King (deceased)

fails to personally appear

at the appointed time and place,

without good cause

(is being dead considered good cause?),

his parent/child relationship

with his children will be terminated.

Wasn't there an angel named Clarence

that appeared somewhere

to someone once?

Maybe it's the same person and

he'll make an appearance in court too.

How can a corporation be a foreign corporation

if it was incorporated in New Mexico?

The name of said corporation is

Double M Mud Company

and the character of the business

it initially intends to conduct in Arizona is

"any and all lawful business

in which corporations may engage."

Sounds kind of broad to me.

What kind of business

does the Double M Mud Company actually run?

I don't think I would be so curious

if I hadn't read something

in another newspaper the other day.

In the AU-AUTHUM ACTION NEWS

(the Salt River Pima/Maricopa

Indian Community paper)

there was an article entitled

"Back in the days..."

The reporter had interviewed

some of the Elders (Senior Citizens) in the community

about what life was like when they were growing up.

I found this paragraph intriguing

"Mud was a delicacy;

when asked about it these women all said

it was 'good'.

Eschief said, 'My mom only liked the new mud.

Not just any old mud,

but the one after the rains

would drench the creeks and then dry up.

This is when it would taste like chocolate'.".

I think the Double M stands for Double Mint

and they are going to start selling

mud "chocolate" bars,

but not just any old mud - foreign New Mexico mud.

Keep your eyes open for them

the next time you go shopping.

I also learned,

while my son was reading the sports section to me,

(don't you hate it when

people read the newspaper to you

when you really just want to read it yourself?)

that I cannot say

"White Water River Rafting"

five times fast.

Heck, I can hardly say it one time slow.

It comes out

"White Water Wiver Wafting" every time.

This son has to make Wiver Wafting comments

every time he sees me now.

Try it. It's fun to say.

The last thing I gleaned from today's newspaper,

once I got the sports section back,

was that perhaps some professional athletes really are

as intellectually deficient as is sometimes said.

When Jose Calderon Manuel,

who plays for the NBA Toronto Raptors,

was asked about the publicity photos taken of

the Olympic basketball Men's

and Women's teams from Spain

in which they all made "slant-eyed gestures"

his comment was

"We felt it was something appropriate

and that it would be interpreted

as an affectionate gesture."

See what I mean.

Not so bright.

I guess it's now very definite

that I will never be a professional athlete.

I've gotten too darn smart

from reading the newspaper.