Well, fast forward to today and there I was, sitting in the Hillsdale ward watching the primary children share their testimonies in word and song, but without Shad.
I offered to stay at the hospital so the oldest daughter and the son-in-law could attend church today, but they decided it would be too sad. I wondered if I wanted to go, since I was pretty sure it would be too sad too, but my desire to go to church won out. Since our ward's primary program was today as well, I knew if I didn't attend here I wouldn't get my yearly primary program fix, so I loaded up on the tissues and arrived early enough to find an inconspicuous spot in the back of the chapel.
Apparently last week the primary president announced to all the children that Shad wouldn't be able to sing in the program because he was going to be in the hospital. They were all very sad. Then the primary president announced that they would need a replacement soloist and they were no longer sad, but jumping up and down with their hands in the air shouting "Me! Me! Me!"
You've just gotta love kids!
Then the primary president had the difficult job of choosing just one of the many hopeful children to take Shad's place. A little girl, who the oldest daughter described as "very shy", was finally selected and today she performed her little heart out, possibly better than the grandson would have managed when he was actually faced with a chapel full of people, unlike the empty chapel he sang to during practices.
I guess we'll never know.
I barely shed a tear during the song, but when the bishop got up as a substitute, to recite Shad's speaking part, I will admit I cried quite a few. This is what the bishop said (prefixed by "I am substituting for Shadrach Smith who, as many of you know, is in the hospital today having chemotherapy"),
"Just like we have a physical body that can get sick, we have a spirit that can get sick too. Jesus Christ chose to suffer in the Garden of Gethsemane and then to die on the cross so that we would be able to repent and return to Heaven."
This paragraph came from a talk that Shad gave earlier in the year in primary sharing time, one that I helped his mom write, and one that has deep significance to me. Physical disease and spiritual disease - two topics that I have given a lot of thought to over the past year. In fact, I have spent countless hours pondering them both and wondering if one is better or worse than the other. I have found that both physical death and spiritual death are horribly painful ideas to contemplate, especially where those I deeply love are concerned. Over the course of the year I have solidified many beliefs on these topics and raised even more questions in my mind and heart, but that is definitely fuel for another blog post.
Back to this post - at first I thought that it was somewhat random that the bishop was chosen to read Shad's "talk", but after thinking about it for awhile I decided that it was definitely an inspired choice. Who better to share the message of spiritual sickness and the antidote for this disease than the Master Physician's designated representative, the bishop of the ward. One of the bishop's most important roles is to assist the spiritually sick in repenting and using the gift of the atonement to become well again.
The primary children did a great job sharing their thoughts and feelings about the topic "I am a Child of God" and I was glad that I chose to attend. It was worth any sad that I felt.
I do not know why Shad is sick. I do not know why he had to be in the hospital today instead of in church performing with all his primary friends, where we would have all preferred him to be. There are a lot of things I don't know and I am daily reminded of that fact, but there are a lot of things I do know and today and every day I will try to focus on what I do know.
I do know that last November we accepted the possibility that Shad would never really get to attend primary as a Sunbeam, that he would be too sick to go to church while he was 3. However, he was blessed beyond our expectations. He was in church more Sundays than he missed and every time he was there he walked with his class to and from sharing time and sat in a little chair (or chose not to sit in his chair and stood up or rolled on the floor) and colored pictures and listened to lessons and sang songs and gave talks and scriptures and prayers and learned about being a Child of God. He was a Sunbeam in every sense of the word, much more so than we could have imagined, and we have been blessed.
I do know that Shad didn't have to sing in sacrament meeting today or recite his memorized talk to be remembered by many of the members of the Hillsdale ward. His smile and his bravery and his sweet spirit have touched many lives and made a lasting impression. Perhaps his absence will have more impact in the life of some struggling soul than his presence would have had.
We may never know.
I do know that disease is devastating, both physical disease and spiritual disease. But I also know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we have the ability to overcome both and live with Him and our Heavenly Father again. What a wonderful message that has become emblazoned on my heart during this past year.
I do know that each one of us is a beloved Child of God. He loves his children - those who are physically sick and those who are spiritually sick and those who are trying to be like Him. He loves each one of us, with a never-ending love that we cannot even begin to imagine. He wants us to come back to Him.
And I do know that if Shad had sung his song in sacrament meeting I would have loved every minute of it, but I wouldn't have recorded it and been able to enjoy it again and again. I hope you enjoy it too.
Today I am thankful for
a primary teacher and a presidency member who made the trip to the hospital to bring Shad a card from his primary friends and an "I am a Child of God button" for him to proudly wear.
primary music. I love the spirit it brings.
children.
crockpots, so dinner could cook right in the hospital room. We really should do that more often.
