I love to see the temple

I'm going there today

To feel the holy spirit

To listen and to pray.


Tonight was our ward Relief Society temple night and I really wasn't too excited about going. I love to go to the temple, but I would much rather go to a session during the daytime and I am lucky enough that that is usually an option for me. It is much more difficult for me to want to go to the temple in the evening and when I do I like to make a point of taking my hubby with me, since that is the only time he can usually go. I have been in a very anti-social mood lately and I really didn't want to go and be friendly with anyone, even my Relief Society sisters that I really like. However, I have come to find out that when I don't feel like doing something that is probably the very thing I NEED to do, so off I went to the temple. I'm glad I did! There were only 5 of us there and 2 of the sisters are much older, nearly blind and not in the best of health. I'm sure they would have chosen to attend the temple at a more "convenient" time, but I was touched by their dilligence and their willingness to give service in the temple. These are 2 women that I believe are close to perfect and I would love to grow up to be like them. I was glad that tonight I had made a choice that moved me a few steps forward along the path to exaltation with these good examples. It was such a sweet experience to share hugs with them in the celestial room and to feel of their love and the love of my Heavenly Father. Today I am thankful for my eyesight. temple night with a few of my Relief Society sisters. an excuse to hang out with some good friends for some food and friendship - doesn't happen nearly often enough.

Off to Camp

A couple of months ago I got an interesting phone call from my hubby. He asked me if our youngest son was going to scout camp this year. Our ward takes the 12 and 13 year old boys to Camp Geronimo for a week each year. I thought that perhaps my husband was getting old and had forgotten that our son is almost 17, not 12 or 13. I replied, "No, why?" He then told me that he had received an e-mail from the scoutmaster that said that our son was attending camp this year as the Junior assistant scoutmaster. Hmm, this was news to me. When my son came home from school that day I asked him about this. He told me "Yeah, I told him I would go if that wasn't the week of our Priest Summer activity." I was surprised that he was so agreeable with the idea.

Since this son is the youngest member of our family, he doesn't get too many opportunities to be the leader. At least not in our home. We all tend to think of him as the one who needs to be led, not the leader. That is why I am glad that his scout leaders view him differently and are willing to give him the change to be a leader. He seems to rise to the occasion when he is given responsibility by them and it is a great thing for me see.

This morning he was up early to head to camp.

Somehow, since our first conversation, the son has become a little less agreeable with the whole camp idea. It has turned into "I had no choice." and "I'm not going to survive or some of the punk scouts are not going to survive". I think this is just him trying to uphold his image. You don't want to admit that going to scout camp with a bunch of 12 and 13 year olds sounds fun to you when you are going to be a senior in high school. Hopefully it will turn out to be a positive experience and he will be the helpful leader that his leaders, and his mother, know he can be.

Looking Forward to our Next Visit

Today I attended the funeral of Gwendolyn Lucille Palmer. She is the grandmother of one of my good friends and she has always been "Grandma Jones" to me which is interesting because there's no Jones in her name. Gwen lived with my friend for several years and I had the privilege of being her visiting teacher for some of those years. She was an inspiration to visit with. She was in declining health all of the time I knew her and was unable to do so many of the things that she loved to do, but she still made sure she did her gospel study and scripture reading. We would always find her sitting in her recliner with her treasured Articles of Faith book, the Ensign and the scriptures on the table next to her. She made sure our discussions were always gospel centered and I gained new insights from her on whatever topic we visited about that day. She was a great example to me and I am looking forward to my next visit with her and the things I will be able to learn from her then.
A few months ago I attended the funeral of another ward member and was struck by comments made about the legacy he had left for his children. Since that time I have done some musing on what my legacy to my children might be and quite frankly I haven't been able to think of much. Today one of the speakers (a son-in-law I think) made the comment "Gwen didn't leave us a large inheritance but she left us a spiritual treasure. She left us a path to follow." As he made that last statement it really hit me. That is the legacy I want to leave for my posterity. I want to leave them a path to follow. Not just any path, but the path that leads them to eternal life with their Savior, Jesus Christ and the rest of our family. What a wonderful legacy that will be.

Today I am grateful for

Relief Society sisters that support each other.
visiting teaching friendships.
a good example.

Things we Think we Want

Tonight I actually watched an episode of "The Biggest Loser". I have followed this show for the past few seasons and there are things about it that I really like such as the amazing transformations that occur in these individuals lives. There are also things about it that I really don't like especially the back stabbing strategizing that goes on. I haven't watched much of Season 7 because it seems like I always have somewhere else I need to be on Tuesday night, but I have kept kind of updated on what is going on by checking the weekly recaps on the website. I have been pleasantly surprised that this group of people have seemed to be a kinder, gentler group than the last few. However, things apparently have reached the point where kind and gentle is replaced by mean and nasty. I am sorry to see that happen.

I also think this show teaches me some great life lessons, not necessarily about losing weight, but about making everyday choices and what I am willing to do to get what I want or what I think I want. Tonight the group was given a temptation. They all went into the gym where there were lots and lots of covered trays. Under each cover there were various items - unhealthy food, money tickets, and one special tray with a golden ticket that would give the individual that found it the only elimination vote at that week's weigh in - ultimate power. Each person could choose whether or not they played, but in order to move on once a tray was uncovered, the food had to be eaten. It was amazing to me, but not surprising, how crazy the majority of the players went with this temptation. All the self discipline and rational thinking that they have learned over the past couple of months went out the window when they were tempted with this power. They wanted to be able to say who left this week, as well as protect themselves.

Each player could only be sent home if they had the smallest amount of weight loss, and yet they were willing to put there safety in jeopardy for the chance to determine someone else's fate. I was happy when Kristin realized that no one could have power over her if she stayed above the yellow line this week and just chose to stop eating the junk. The results of this temptation were so sad to me in many ways, and perhaps the saddest was when Laura, who won the golden ticket, realized that she didn't want to have the only say in which of the two individuals who fell below the line went home. She had the power, but when it came right down to it it wasn't nearly as wonderful as she had thought it would be.

How often is this just like my life? I am going along, making good choices and trying to do what I am suppose to do, listening to my leaders who know more than I do, and even making some progress when all of the sudden temptation comes barrelling along. Boom! I see something I think I want and I forget what I have learned and the progress I have made and the counsel I have been given and I succumb to temptation. I am willing to put my ultimate goal, eternal salvation, in jeopardy so quickly, without even thinking the decision through. How long does it take me to realize how foolish I am being? Do I, like Kristin, recognize the error of my ways right away and stop or do I continue on until the thing I want is out of my reach and the guilt begins to set in or until I actually get what I wanted and only then realize that it was just a sparkly distraction that I don't even really want at all?

How important is it for me to think through my decisions? To pray when I am faced with temptation or to refer back to the counsel of my leaders? To remember what it is that I really want and the road that will get me there? To not be sidetracked by the path that might look smoother or easier, and if I am, which will probably happen, to stop and turn around as soon as I realize my mistake, before I get so lost that I end up at a totally different destination? I think it's of eternal importance. Much more important than the choices made on some reality TV show.

The Deal

We have a problem in our family with the kind of words we use and the tone of voice we speak with. It has gotten to the point where pretty much at least half of the stuff that comes out of my mouth or my son's mouths seems to be sarcastic, facetious, unkind, impolite, contentious or just plan mean. I have been thinking for a while that we need to do something to change this, but I wasn't really sure how to help us stop. Today while the youngest son and I were waiting for his last (hopefully) visit with the oral surgeon he made a smart remark and I said, "I think you should see if you can go for a whole week without being sarcastic." His response was "What will you give me?" I told him I would kiss him on the forehead. That definitely wasn't going to cut it. "Will you buy me a car?" "Uh, No." "Will you let me get my driver's license?" "Nope." "If I go for a month without being sarcastic will you let me get my license?" I had to think about this one for a minute. First of all, the way things are in our home at the moment I would say the chances of him going for a month without being sarcastic are less than zero. Probably like a negative 50 at least. And that is not being sarcastic. That is the genuine truth. However, I could really enjoy an entire month of honest, polite responses coming out of this son's mouth. I was thinking it might actually be worth it. I wasn't going to give in too easily though so I upped the ante. "If you can go for a month without saying anything sarcastic, rude, or mean to any member of our family I will let you get your license." "This is going to be easy!" He was immediately checking his calendar in his phone to figure out what day of the week April 23rd was and entering a note that he was getting his driver's license on that day.
On the way home we stopped at Circle K so I could buy the son an ICEE in honor of his one year anniversary of giving up soda. He hasn't intentionally drunk any type of carbonated beverage since March 23, 2008. (He was tricked into drinking soda when he partook of the wedding punch at his sister's wedding reception last April before he was informed that one of the main ingredients happened to be 7up.) He went into the store to make his purchase and I waited in the car. When he came out I remarked "You smell like coffee. Have you been drinking coffee?" He quickly retorted, "All day, every day." I looked at him and he whacked himself on the knee. He pulled out his phone and changed his note. "On Friday, April 24 on I going to get my driver's license." Since then he has done quite well and I am thoroughly enjoying this welcome break from his wicked words. Now I just need to work on myself and his brother. Stay tuned to see how this episode of "Let's Make a Deal" turns out.

Today I am thankful for

a visiting teaching companion that makes the appointments.
a son that took out the trash without complaining and even gathered up the palm tree litter left by last night's windstorm without even being asked.
a husband that goes to the grocery store.
the last trip to the oral surgeon (I hope).

Pray For Others

Today the oldest daughter and the son-in-law spoke in their ward and we went to listen to them. Their topic was "Pray Always" and they both did a good job sharing their thoughts and insights. The daughter shared a story about a little boy whose mom encourages him to look for opportunities to pray for others during the day. They go to the library and he sees a baby crying so he silently prays for her to be happy. He sees his neighbor, who has been sick, getting out of her wheelchair and into her car and he silently prays that she will get well. The piano tuner comes to his house and he silently prays that he will be able to do his job well and make their piano sound nice. I don't very often take the opportunity to pray for people outside my usual circle. My prayers seem to focus more on myself and my needs. Recently I was reading a book that talked about taking a prayer walk. Apparently in some churches as people walk around their neighborhoods they pray for the individuals who live in the homes that they pass. At the time I thought this was a rather random idea, but the more I have thought about it the more I think that it isn't all that strange. It would probably be good for me to pray for others, even those I don't know, sometimes. I started thinking what a different person I would be if when I got frustrated with someone's driving ability instead of getting upset and yelling I said a prayer for them to arrive safely at their destination. Or when I didn't agree with the way someone was parenting their child I offered a prayer for help for them in raising their kids. Or when the college kids next door are having a wild party AGAIN that I prayed for them to be kept safe. Or when the referree in the church basketball game makes a call I don't like I offered a prayer of gratitude for their willingness to give service in the church. How would that be if every time I was given an opportunity to be unkind or upset or frustrated I chose to offer a silent prayer instead? How long do you think it would take for that to become my natural response?

Today I am thankful for

cooler temperatures.
an opportunity to hear my daughter share her testimony concerning prayer.
The chance that preparing a talk gives us to evaluate our performance in a specific area of our lives at the moment.
people who share their Kleenex.

The Last One

Today my youngest child had his wisdom teeth pulled. He was one of the lucky ones, like his just older sister, who only had 2 wisdom teeth instead of 4. That makes removing them a little easier. At least it seems like it should. The same oral surgeon has taken out all my kids wisdom teeth (plus a few extra from the oldest daughter) and I think he is going to miss us now that we have run out of children to grow new teeth.
The son decided to not be sedated for the extractions. Some of my kids were, some weren't. I personally think waking up from surgery and not having a clue what has just happened in your life is a horrible feeling so I would prefer to be awake if possible. Actually, back in the dark ages when I had my wisdom teeth removed sedation wasn't even an option. What I remember most about the experience was that it was very loud and the worst part was that the dentist pulled the 2 teeth on the left and then I had to go back 2 weeks later to have the 2 on the right pulled. I was not at all excited about that 2nd visit and I am glad they do it all at once now.
The boy did use the laughing gas today and that seemed to make the experience more enjoyable (maybe a little too enjoyable since on the way home he was asking me if you could buy nitrous oxide on EBay).
Since this kid has a manly image to uphold, he also insisted that he didn't want to take any painkillers so I didn't bother to get his pain prescription filled ahead of time. His brother had a full bottle that hadn't been touched from his surgery 2 weeks ago that I felt we could use in an emergency. I know it's illegal o.k. I know. Well, as the shots began to wear off and feeling returned the son became more and more irritable. It didn't take long for him to decide to heck with the image. Apparently having your wisdom teeth pulled hurts a lot more than a broken nose. I offered the brother's medicine and was read the riot act. I am surprised that the police were not called immediately and that I escaped being hauled off to jail. What was I thinking??? I drove to the store, filled the prescription, paid my $8.00 and returned home as quickly as possible. The oldest daughter took Percocet when she had her wisdom teeth pulled and she was comatose for 2 days. Unfortunately Percocet didn't have the same effect on my youngest child. He wanted to be asleep, but couldn't seem to figure out how to do it. Everyone was way too loud for his liking and he made sure to let me know about it. Finally I decided to take him for a ride. That use to be how I got him to take a nap every day when he was a baby. I would drive his sister to Kindergarten and then go around the neighborhood until he fell asleep and then we would come home, I would put him in his crib, and he would be out until all his siblings arrived home from school a few hours later. It was rather nice. I was hoping for the same effect tonight. He did drift off while I drove and I found a nice hillside close to our house to park on and enjoyed the full moon, the city lights and watching the planes appear on the horizon, grow larger and then disappear as they landed. It was very peaceful. Eventually I drove home and we dozed in the driveway for a while longer. He woke up a lot less irritable and determined to never take another painkiller in his entire life. Now I have 2 almost untouched bottles of pills in my cupboard. Too bad I'm a law abiding citizen or I could sell them to the highest bidder. I just hate having addictive medicine sitting around my house and there's so much controversy surrounding proper pill disposal anymore that I don't know how to get rid of it. Don't flush it, throw it away, or bury it, that's for sure. Maybe there needs to be a medicine recycling program. Oh, but that would be illegal too. I think it would be nice if you could just return it to the pharmacy and get a refund on the unused portion or a credit toward your next purchase.

Today I am grateful for

no more wisdom teeth.
kids that don't like to take pain killers.
beautiful Spring weather.

This is the Day

I am still plugging along in my reading of the Old Testament. I am deep in the book of Psalms at the moment and actually enjoying it. I will admit that I probably don't retain much of what I read because I read several chapters each day. I have decided that this may be my first time reading the Old Testament clear through, but it isn't going to be my last. This time through I am reading for the "I did it!" experience. Next time I'm going to go a lot slower and do more pondering, referencing and analyzing. I should probably be doing that this time, but I still want to accomplish the goal I set and I need to keep moving to finish all the standards works in the next 6 months.
Today however one verse really stuck with me. I know I have heard it before and probably even seen it decorating a plaque or two somewhere, but today it spoke to me. It is found in the 118th Psalm, verse 24.
"This is the day which the Lord hath made;

we will rejoice and be glad in it."
I was sitting in my living room welcoming the morning. Wondering how the day was going to unfold with my boys home for Spring Break. I was desiring some help in the front yard and I knew that they were looking forward to a fun break ie. no work. As I read this message it really hit me. Heavenly Father has blessed me with this new day. He didn't have to give it to me. I could have not woken up this morning. Today is a gift from my loving parent, he knows what it holds and no matter what transpires I should be grateful for it and show my gratitude by enjoying it.
Wow! I wonder what a difference that could make in my life if I greeted each new day with that insight foremost in my mind.
No matter what happens today I will try to remember this is my day and to be glad in it.

Gotta Love Him

There are times when my youngest son and I don't seem to see eye to eye. When we have a difficult time agreeing on what's fair and what isn't. When we do things and say things in the heat of the moment that we regret later. When we might even raise our voices together, and not in song. Sometimes he is just plain annoying, but then sometimes I can be pretty annoying too.
But other times he makes me laugh. I asked the son to come and help me dry the van after I washed it, so it wouldn't get all spotted and this is how he decided to help.

I do love the boy and neither one of us is ever going to tell why the van got washed in the first place.

Today I am thankful for

moments when my kids and I get along.
Angela's bread stick recipe.
dinner as a family.

Road Block

The oldest son's wedding has hit a road block.
The road block is not really a surprise.
We have been aware that it existed for a while now.
There have been warning signs flashing
along the road as we have moved toward our destination.
Every now and then we have even caught a glimpse of it
off in the distance and wondered
if there would come a time when it
might impede our forward progress.
Road workers were consulted
and they predicted that most likely,
with caution and some help
from an experienced road crew,
it could be navigated around.
That's why most of us were a little taken by surprise
when today we got right next to the road block
and discovered it's actual size.


What had appeared to be rather small and manageable
from a few miles away
now appears quite massive and a little scary.
And the hardest part of all
is that while many of us can stand here
and offer support and suggestions
the heavy duty road block removal
has fallen on the tiny shoulders of the fiancee.
It is her road block to conquer.
At the moment she's not sure if she is up to the task.
The road block appears huge
and she is so small.
She has known for a long time that this road block
was going to have to be approached
and dealt with at some point in her journey
but now that she is face to face with it
she doesn't have a clue how to make a dent
in this gigantic mountain before her.
She is feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.
It seems like it would be easier to just give up.
Perhaps turn around and take a different route,
but now that she has acknowledged the road block
it seems to stop her progess
no matter which direction she turns.
She is stuck.
I hope she can realize
that she doesn't really have to remove
this road block all by herself.
Her loving Savior, Jesus Christ,
is an expert at getting rid of
seemingly insurmountable obstacles
and he is waiting right there
ready and willing to help
as soon as she asks.
We, on the other hand,
are just waiting
and praying.

Beach???

For the past two years I have spent a week at the beach in June with a few other women. The first year I took my oldest daughter and last year my younger daughter accompanied me. At the end of last year's trip we were informed that the condo that we have stayed in was going to be torn down and replaced with a time share hotel and we would need to find a new place to stay. We were all very heartbroken.

For the past couple of weeks I have heard rumors that the condo is in fact still standing and that a beach trip was being planned. Even though I hadn't been invited I was feeling sad that I had my oldest son's wedding scheduled during "Beach Week" and I wouldn't be able to attend. Today I received a message on my answering machine that the beach trip is on and taking place a week earlier this year (June 6-June 13) and that I am invited to join the fun if I am interested.

Interested??? Why of course I am!

Do you think it's selfish and unrealistic to consider going to the beach the week before my son's wedding? The daughter who's turn it is this year to go thinks it's a marvelous idea. I'm still tossing it back and forth. Decisions, Decisions.

Tithing Settlement

Tonight our family had the opportunity to meet with the Bishop and declare our tithing status. The youngest son looked at the tithing total at the bottom of the printout that his dad was holding and said, "Gosh, you guys could have bought me a car with that!". He has been doing a lot of wishful car pricing recently but I'm not sure where he saw a car that fit our "tithing budget". Perhaps a used car, very used, but definitely not the ones he's been looking at. As I thought about that I realized how glad I was that that 10 percent of our money went to the Lord and not for a car for our 16-year-old. I'm sure it's done a lot more good where it's at. I have had too many positive financial experiences that I attribute to paying our tithing to ever even question writing that check every 2 weeks or so. It is money well spent. I remember a tithing settlement not too many years into our marriage. We declared ourselves full tithe payers and the bishop challenged our declaration. Our tithing total that year was definitely not large enough to buy a car. I felt sad that the bishop would question our integrity, but that experience was a tithing testimony builder to me. The fact that we could live "comfortably" on that small amount of money, so comfortably that the bishop had no idea of our circumstances, was proof to me of the blessings that come from paying tithing. Now I wish I could figure out where the other 90 percent of what we spent this year went.

Message to my children - The number one best financial decision you will ever make is to pay your tithing faithfully.

Today I am thankful that

paying tithing has become a habit that I don't even question.
Heavenly Father keeps his promises.
my hubby has a job that allows us to fulfill our obligations and live comfortably.

Choice

Tonight some of the youth in our stake performed a concert
featuring the Kenneth Cope musical,
"Greater Than Us All" .
All of the youth were invited to participate in this evening
and encouraged to participate in this evening
and cajoled to participate in this evening
and still some of them chose not to participate.

Now I understand that some people really aren't singers
and this is the excuse that my youngest son used on me
but I live with the kid.
I listen to him sing with the radio.
I listen to him sing with the computer.
I listen to him sing with the TV commercials.
I listen to him sing with his brother.
I listen to him sing with gusto.
The boy sings.

I wish he would have chosen to be a part of the program
and I guess he was in the long run.
He was a member of the audience
and we all know the audience is an important part
of any successful production.

I am sure that I am like most parents.
I want what is best for my children.
I want them to have spiritual experiences.
I want them to learn to serve.
I want them to enjoy spending time with their peers,
ones who have the same beliefs and values that they do.
I want them to develop their talents.
I want them to work hard to accomplish a goal and feel good about it.
I want them to fill their time and their heads and their hearts
with so many uplifting things
that there isn't room left for anything else.
I want them to be happy.

Unfortunately, sometimes the things I am convinced
will ultimately bring them happiness
are not the things they choose to do.
Sometimes letting my children make their own choices
is the hardest thing in the world for me.
This was basically a benign choice.
While I think my son would have benefited from the experience,
I don't think he placed his eternal exaltation in jeopardy
by choosing not to.
There are times when that is not the case.
Sometimes I question why Heavenly Father
feels so strongly about each one of His children
having the opportunity to make their own choices.
Sometimes Satan's plan sounds pretty good to me.

As I also sat in the audience tonight
and listened to the beautiful music being performed
and pondered on the words that were being sung
and the messages that were being taught,
the words and the messages and the spirit
began to seep into my heart and my soul
and replace by disappointment and remorse
concerning my son's participation.

I once again realized some important facts.

I may not fully comprehend why agency
is so infinitely important to our Heavenly Father
that He was willing to lose one third of His children
before they even had a chance to come to earth and
receive a physical body because of it.
I may not know why being able to choose is so valuable
that our Heavenly Father was willing to allow His beloved Son
to atone for our sins and die on the cross
and that Son, my eldest brother,
was willing to do just that,
but I do know that it must be because,
I also know that our Heavenly Father
is a loving parent, not unlike myself,
who wants what is best for His children.
He wants us to have spiritual experiences.
He wants us to learn to serve.
He wants us to enjoy spending time with our peers,
ones who have the same beliefs and values that we do.
He wants us to develop our talents.
He wants us to work hard to accomplish a goal and feel good about it.
He wants us to fill our time and our heads and our hearts
with so many uplifting things that there isn't room left for anything else.
He wants us to be happy.
And yes, the things that he knows will ultimately bring us happiness
are not always the things that we choose.
However, our loving Heavenly Father has provided
a way for each one of us to make choices,
benign or not so benign,
and still be able to be happy in the end.
He has provided someone greater than us all
to make everything all right
if we will choose to do what is right.

I also know that I need to teach my children
and encourage my children
and set a good example for my children
but ultimately the choice is theirs.
My choice needs to be to have faith in Heavenly Father's plan,
even the parts that I don't totally understand.

A Bad Feeling

Have you ever just had a really

bad feeling

about something

with no real evidence to tell you

why you have that feeling?

I can remember two very specific times

in my life when this has happened.

The first time happened quite a few years ago.

My little family (it was little, that's how long ago it was)

was returning home from a trip to Disneyland

via San Diego and Sea World.

It was getting rather late at night

when we arrived in Gila Bend

and decided to drive toward Buckeye

and connect up with the East bound I-10.

As my hubby drove

I started to get a bad feeling.

The further he drove the worse I felt.

I could hardly sit still in the car

the feeling was so strong.

We needed to not go that way.

Finally I told my husband

we needed to turn around and

drive toward Casa Grande

and hit the freeway there.

I told him I didn't know why

but that was the feeling I had.

To his credit,

he didn't question me

and immediately turned around

even though it meant we would be

extending our trip by quite a bit.

I never found out why I had that feeling.

I don't know what might have happened

if we had continued down the road we were on.

The second time occurred a few years ago.

My oldest daughter had been away to college

but was home for the holidays.

Early New Year's Eve she decided she wanted

to drive to St. George to celebrate

the arrival of the new year with some friends there.

I am always up for an adventure and

decided our whole family should go.

However, as we began to prepare,

once again, I got a very bad feeling

about this decision.

I shared the feeling with my daughter

and told her I didn't think we should go.

She let me know that she thought

I was being unreasonable

and a party-pooper to boot

and declared that she was going by herself

if no one else would go with her.

This didn't help the feeling at all.

I asked her to try to understand

and to pray before she made her final decision.

After what felt like a long half hour

she informed me

that she had decided not to go.

I never found out why I had that feeling.

I don't know what would have happened

if we (or she) had driven to St. George that day.

Tonight I am experiencing one of those feelings.

I'm not totally sure why

and I don't really know how to turn around

and change direction to alleviate this feeling.

Like the experience with my daughter

the decision is pretty much out of my control

and I just have to pray

that everything will turn out o.k.

I hope I never find out why I had this feeling.

Today I am thankful for

family members who understand the importance of voting.

a new vacuum cleaner belt.

no more political commercials.

Mamma Mia

I have put off writting this post long enough.
I have something I know that I need to say
but I really don't want to say it.

I went to the movie Mamma Mia
for my birthday with my hubby.

I enjoyed it a lot.
It made me laugh hysterically.
It made me want to fly to Greece with my best friends.
It made me remember what it felt like to be 20 again.
It made me want to lose 100+ pounds
so I could don metallic pants and go-go boots
and dance
and wiggle more than waddle
and sing at the top of my lungs
and run up mountains
and jump on beds while doing the splits.
It made me feel good
and happy
and accepting of life.

I wish I could just accept entertainment
at face value
and be entertained
and leave it at that,
but I can't.

I have to think.

I have to look beyond the fun
and the laughs
and the light hearted moments
to the message that is being sent
in that feel good package
to what I am really being accepting of.

That 3 dads could possibly be better than 1.
That dot, dot, dotting with 3 boys in the same week,
none of whom you are married to, is awkward,
but not necessarily wrong.
That getting married at 20 is limiting and short-sighted
and it's much better to go explore the world with a boyfriend
than to settle down with a husband.
That men liking men is just a way of life.

Now, I will be the first to admit
that I went into this movie with my eyes wide open.
I knew from the previews the basis of the story
and I still wanted to see the movie
because it looked entertaining.

Sometimes I chose being entertained over
doing what I know is right.
What the Holy Ghost tells me is right.

I knew that the content of this movie,
while possibly not being explicit,
was not going to reflect my standards
and my values
and by beliefs.
I knew it before I went
and I went anyway
and I enjoyed it.
Except when I felt the spirit
pricking me in my heart.

I am disappointed in myself.

I read that 92% of the people who saw this movie
would recommend it to someone else.

If I recommended this movie
what would I be recommending?

The entertaining, possibly harmless parts
or the values that don't reflect my own?

My recommendation is
Go out and buy the CD,
Collect all your best friends,
Go to the beach and rent a villa
and sing and dance to your hearts content.
Oh and if you need to lose weight before
you can safely jumb on a bed
go ahead and do that too.

Things aren't always the way we Think they are

This morning I was
reading an article
in the September Issue
of the Ensign Magazine
entitled "Toothpaste on the Mirror".

It was about a couple
who had been married for a lot of years
and during their time together
the wife had found a few things
that her spouse did that irritated her.
One of the little annoyances
was how her husband managed to
splatter toothpaste on the mirror
each and every time he brushed his teeth.
She found herself repeatedly
reminding him to be more careful
or to clean up after himself.

Then came the day after
her husband passed away.

She wiped the toothpaste off the mirror
one last time.

However, the next day
there the splatters were again
and again the next
and again.

She began to realize
that her husband wasn't the only one
with the bad habit
of splattering toothpaste on the mirror.

How often in life
are things not the way we think they are?

How often in life
do we place the blame on the wrong person?

How often in life
do we ignore our failings and focus on everyone else's?

How often in life
should we stop and think again?

How often in life do we do it?

Today I am thankful for

Forgiveness, again. Someday I'm going to get this being the mom thing right.
Kids that are big enough to take care of themselves.
Boys that know when it's a good idea to take a shower.

The Vote is In.

Here are the "official" results of the vote I recently held on my blog.

We have some money in our savings account what should we do with it?

Buy a new car.
2 (16%)

Remodel the kitchen.
5 (41%)

Pay down debt on our car or house.
4 (33%)

Continue to save it for our children.
0 (0%)

Celebrate my birthday in a big way.
1 (8%)

As you can see Remodel the Kitchen won by the narrowest of margins.

I did celebrate my birthday in a big way. A whole month of gifts and parties and happy birthday thoughts. Thank you to my sister for thinking I deserved a celebration.

The computer wouldn't let my husband vote, since I had already voted, so Buy a New Car really should have had 3 votes and may still end up being the direction we go depending on the results of the most recent car repair we just paid for.

Pay down debt is always a good direction to go and doesn't require as much decision making as some of the other choices. You write a check and boom it's done. I think we will still be doing that with part of the amount.

I do want to remodel my kitchen, but more than that I NEED to remodel my kitchen. It is in sad shape and any day now the dish cupboard is going to detach itsself from the ceiling and end up on the counter or the floor. The drawers all have broken tracks and one of them is missing, the dishwasher doesn't work, only part of the stovetop works, and the cupboard doors refuse to stay shut. It is pretty much the original kitchen from when the house was built in the 1970s.

I have been pondering this change for awhile and have been looking in magazines and books but I'm just not sure what I want. The problem that I have is that it is a very small galley kitchen. It is 9 feet by 11 feet. I have no counter space and not as much cupboard space as I would like. I don't really know how to make best use of the available space or how to add space.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
There are a lot of houses in my neighborhood which are the same floorplan as mine. I am tempted to just go up and down the streets knocking on doors and inviting myself in until I find something I like, but I'm not quite that brave. I don't enjoy going to showrooms because I feel too pressured, but I think that it is necessary to know what is available out there and the potential cost of the ideas I might have.

Help! I need Help!

Expectations

I've been thinking a lot about
expectations
for the past few days.

My friend's mother is undergoing
chemotherapy and stem cell replacement.
She was admitted to the hospital
a couple of days ago but
that doesn't really mean things are going bad.
It's to be expected.

I picked up a new prescription
and the pharmacist
shared with me the possible
side effects I could expect.

My daughter brought me the
4th book in the Twilight Series
by Stephenie Myers.
I should be excited about reading it
but I expect that it isn't
going to be as good as I would like
or have the ending that I would choose.
(You see I am a Jacob fan.
Go figure.)
I expect to be disappointed.

My youngest shared some
unexpected news with me yesterday.
He expects to fail his math class
because the homework I expected
he was doing didn't get done.
According to him, the teacher
expects him to know how to do the work
even though she doesn't do any teaching
like we would expect a teacher to do.
He wants to drop the class and
have a study hall 4th hour
and try again next semester,
but he expects
me to say no
and he expects
his dad to say no too.

My oldest and her hubby
bought a NEW couch that
I didn't expect.
I never expected that
my children would buy
NEW couches before I did
and now two of them have.
I expect that if I
walked into a furniture store
and said "I want to buy that
"NEW couch" that I would
walk out of the store
the new owner of a NEW couch.
However, the reason I haven't done that
is I don't expect
that a NEW couch
would make me happy.

I expect a NEW couch
to just be something else
for me to worry about
and feel bad about
when it got dirty
or broken
or not NEW anymore
and I expect those things
would happen.

Today is my birthday.
Sometimes my birthdays
have not lived up to my expectations.
Over the years
I have lowered my expectations
and it has made me
a happier birthday girl.
Anything good that happens
is more than I expected.
Like the phone call
I just got from my mom
and didn't expect.

So, are expectations
good or bad or neither?

Should they be high
or low?
Lowering my birthday expectations
seems to have been a good thing but
should I lower my expectations
where the son and his math class are concerned?
Perhaps high expectations
will bring the desired result there.

However, when I go to a movie
with high expectations
I am often disappointed.
Take "Forest Gump" and
"My Big Fat Greek Wedding"
for example, both good movies
that I don't care for
because they didn't live
up to my high expectations.
If I had gone into either of those movies
with lower expectations,
I think they would be on my
"movies I really like" list.

Does that mean if I put high expectations
on my son
nd he doesn't meet them
I will have to take him off
my "Righteous Children I really like" list?

How about with the medication?
Do I get nauseated and tired
because that little white pill
really has that side effect for me
or because I expect to feel
nauseated and tired?

Or should I always have
old, ugly furniture
because I expectNEW furniture
to get ugly and old?
I suspect there is something
wrong with that logic.

When I was going to BYU,
studying to be a teacher,
we learned about self-fulfilling prophecies.
If you place high or low expectations
on children or events or things
often those expectations
become self-fulfilling prophecies
and you get what you expect.

We all know people that expect
good things to happen to them,
and they do and
we all know people that expect
bad things to happen to them
and they do.
Is that because of their expectations?

So if I expect to be disappointed
in the book I will be?
Then why when I expected the movies
to be great weren't they?
Or when I expected the son to
be doing his homework
when he said he was
didn't he?

Didn't I expect hard enough
or high enough
or sincerely enough?

I expect to be pondering these questions
and others like them,
for a long, long time.

Today I am thankful for

Birthday Surprises - phone calls, e-mails, cards, gifts, visits, a rain storm, 64 degrees, and door bell ditchers.

Opportunities to reflect and set goals.
the fact that marching band music is usually played outside. It was a great concert, but LOUD!

My birthmonth gift today was free birthday lunch at Denny's with my hubby. They even decorated with birthday banners, just for me.

What's in a Name?

Today I've been thinking about names. I think it's interesting the amount of time and thought most people put into what they name their children. All of my kids have had a running list of name possibilities for their children, since they were small, that has frequently changed as they have grown. The most unusual, and thankfully currently out of the running, was Bizanne.

Usually even before the woman is pregnant couples are discussing, and often discarding, possible names for their children. Once a baby is on the way it seems to be a frequent topic of conversation until a decision is reached. Some people love to share the chosen name with everyone they meet and others guard it like it's a state secret. I believe a child's name might be one of the most discussed and thought out decisions a couple actually makes together.

I was named after my cousin who died at the age of 10 from complications associated with the measles. I guess I wasn't so much named after her, as my parents liked the name and asked my aunt if they could use it. As a child, I always felt bad that I didn't have a middle name. All my brothers and sisters had middle names and I put the fact that I didn't have one on my list of reasons why I believed I was adopted. (The fact that I was cuter than the rest of the family was also on the list. I had a pretty high opinion of myself as a child.) I remember telling my mom that I thought my middle name should be Grace. It was a family name and I thought it went well with my first name. My mother didn't really think Grace fit my personality. I was (and still am) anything but graceful.

When I was growing up there was usually at least one other person with the same name as mine in my class in school. That usually didn't bother me. In fact during my last year of high school my best friend and I had the same name and we enjoying walking through the halls, both answering regardless of which one of us was being addressed. I think it was more confusing for other people than it was for us. I thought it was fun. My name is not spelled with the usual spelling and I used to get frustrated because people would always spell my name wrong. As I have gotten older I have reached the point where I really don't care how it is spelled. I feel like someone is doing good to know what my name is, let alone how to spell it.

My husband's name is unusual, but I think it fits him. No one in his family calls him by his name. They all call him by his nickname, Boy. Pretty much everyone in his family has a nickname that they go by with the family rather than their actual name, but in public they go by their real names. It can get kind of confusing sometimes. It's taken me 25 years to sort it all out.

Although I like my name, I have never had a desire to name any of my children after myself and my hubby has felt the same way. We have 4 children and their names all start with the same letter. This wasn't necessarily an intentional decision until we were expecting our last child. We didn't want to give him any obvious items to add to his "How I know I am adopted list" and being the only child with a name that started with a different letter would have definitely made the list.

When we found out that our first child was on the way we kicked up the speed on the name discussion. We both felt like we were going to have a girl. We narrowed the list down to 3 names. 2 girl names, I liked one and the hubby liked another and Justin Case for a boy. This was "just in case" she turned out to be a boy. Before we came to a final decision, my husband had a dream in which he saw our daughter and she told him that she really liked her name. She said what it was when he asked and it happened to be the name I liked. The discussion was over. This has worked out well for us because if this child ever complains about her name, which is a very popular name for her age group, we just tell her she picked it.

Our second child received a name that we both liked, but we felt was somewhat uncommon, especially the way we spelled it. He has run into a few boys with the same name during his lifetime so far, more than we would have expected. When he was about 2, I actually found his name in a baby book, spelled the same way, and it's meaning was "to sing". It fit him perfectly and we didn't even know it. When he was an infant he would sing himself to sleep in my arms (I think he liked his voice better than mine), his favorite toys were always ones that involved music and singing, and he is well remembered for his singing during the annual ward Primary Children Sacrament Meeting Program.

The third child to grace our family was automatically referred to by the name my husband had wanted for our first daughter. He had heard it on an episode of "The Streets of San Francisco" and really liked it. I will go on record here as saying that this is one good thing that has come from his love of TV watching. It was always a given that this would be her first name. It took a while to decide how to spell it. It is spelled exactly like it sounds, but it is usually mispronounced. There are very few people with the same exact name and only one that we have ever met that spells it the same way. If you're curious you can find it on a name tag at a Safeway store in Tempe, AZ. A little more discussion went into choosing her middle name. (I made sure all of my children knew they were loved by giving them each a middle name.) We finally came up with a combination of her grandmother's names. The first half of her paternal grandma's name and the last half of her maternal grandma's put together. She usually shortens it to "L dot".

The youngest child's name was the most difficult to come up with. He was the only child we photographically knew the sex of before he was born. We liked the idea we had come up with of combining the grandma's names and decided we would combine the grandpa's names for his first name. However this didn't work out when we tried it and realized we already had a son by that name. Yup, our oldest son's name is a combination of the first half of his paternal grandpa's name and the second half of his maternal grandpa's and we didn't even know it. He was possibly going to be named after a popular college basketball player who was part of the "fab five" that played for Michigan in 1992. This child was a huge fan of March Madness while still in the womb. He couldn't stay still while I was watching any of the games. His dad really liked this name, but I felt it was a little feminine. We finally agreed on a name and his dad chose the spelling. For the first year of his life my mom referred to this son by a different name. By changing an a to an o it becomes a girl's name and that was what my mom was sure his name was. So much for a name that wasn't too feminine. He is the most vocal of our children about wishing he had a different name. I like his name because it is one syllable and easy to yell.

I have sometimes wondered if a person's name has any impact on who or what they become? All the Juliannes or Juliannas I've known have been very smart. Was that in some part because of their name? Would they have been just as smart if their names were Doofiss?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet In the early history of America, girls were often named after a desirable character trait such as Truth, Hope, Faith, Constance, Pleasant, Prudence, Patience, Duty, Charity... Do you think a child named Pleasant always was or a child named Truth never told a lie? I have thought if this were the case, what character trait would I have chosen to name my children after? Would it be Faith, or Hope, or Charity, or Joy, or perhaps Responsibility, or Obedience? Why does it seem that character traits that are used as names usually seem to be female? What would I name my boys, especially if I have a problem with feminine names? How about Grit, or Brave, or Loyal, or Strong, or Tenacious? I thought of one - Frank! Knowing how wordy I am and my lack of decision making ability, I would probably get carried away and name my child Pleasant Faith Charity Obedience Joy Patience and she would just end up confused for life instead of actually reflecting any of those qualities she was named for. Recently I was watching an episode of "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman". In it they referred to how certain cultures such as the Native Americans and the Chinese give individuals new names based on important events or experiences in their lives. Most people would have several different names during their lifetime. What event in my life would I want to be named after? "Woman who moved to Arizona and thought she would die of heat stroke." "Woman who yelled until her voice disappeared". "Lady who loved to laugh at dumb things". It could be kind of interesting, but those kind of names seem a little long. You'd definitely need to have a nickname. I guess it's a good thing I just stuck to names that started with the same letter of the alphabet. It makes the list a lot shorter and less confusing.

Pink Play Dough

Well, I broke down and cooked up a new batch of play dough for the nursery. The batch we had started out yellow but it was getting kind of gray and crumbly and full of little treasures from off the floor. It needed to be replaced. A couple of weeks ago I asked what color of play dough we should have next and all the votes I got were for PINK. What do you expect from a nursery predominately full of little girls? When I actually got around to mixing it up last night I got the food coloring out and then vacillated for a minute. What color should it be? Would the few boys in our group have a problem playing with pink play dough? I questioned the choice because earlier in the day my teacher daughter had been having a little bit of a problem when her husband tried to put a pair of purple scissors in a "boy" pencil box he was loading at school. "Don't give the boy purple. Some boys have issues with that." That started me thinking about preconceived notions we have about what other people may or may not like or want. My youngest son's favorite color for most of elementary school was purple for the Phoenix Suns, the Utah Jazz, and the Arizona Diamondbacks (who were purple at the time). He would have been thrilled in Second Grade to have a pair of purple scissors. I think I try to second guess decisions, and people, in my life way too often. If I do this then they'll think that, or she wouldn't want to go there with me, or she doesn't like me so why should I bother, or they're probably busy right now so I'll call later, or I don't know what she wants for her birthday so I just won't get her anything and so on and so on and so on. I have the idea I'm a mind reader and I'm sure I know what other people are thinking or will want or will say even before they know. I do think it's good to be aware that people have preferences. That not everyone likes pink or purple or blue for that matter. That not everyone is a morning person. That not everyone likes to talk as much as I do. People are different and we need to be aware of those differences. However, I think I need to stop questioning every thing I do or say (or don't do or say) and just realize that most people won't be irreparably offended by pink play dough, purple scissors, a phone call when they're busy, or an acknowledgement on their birthday. The few people who are probably would be offended no matter what. By the way - the boys had no problem at all playing with pink play dough. I should have realized that from the start. Gosh, one of their dads wears purple shoes.

Today I am grateful for

Nephews that know how to plug a flat tire. Yup, we had another one.

Things I didn't know when my older kids were teenagers.

Pink Play Dough and nursery kids that share it with me.

My birthmonth present today was not one, not two, but three play dough birthday cakes and a medley of birthday songs.