I am a Child of God

About a month ago the oldest daughter informed me that Shad was going to be singing a solo in their ward's primary sacrament meeting program.  As the dutifully doting grandmother that I am, I was determined that I would be there to hear him perform, and put a red star next to September 22nd in my calendar book.

Well, fast forward to today and there I was, sitting in the Hillsdale ward watching the primary children share their testimonies in word and song, but without Shad.

I offered to stay at the hospital so the oldest daughter and the son-in-law could attend church today, but they decided it would be too sad.  I wondered if I wanted to go, since I was pretty sure it would be too sad too, but my desire to go to church won out.  Since our ward's primary program was today as well, I knew if I didn't attend here I wouldn't get my yearly primary program fix, so I loaded up on the tissues and arrived early enough to find an inconspicuous spot in the back of the chapel.

Apparently last week the primary president announced to all the children that Shad wouldn't be able to sing in the program because he was going to be in the hospital.  They were all very sad.  Then the primary president announced that they would need a replacement soloist and they were no longer sad, but jumping up and down with their hands in the air shouting "Me! Me! Me!"

You've just gotta love kids!

Then the primary president had the difficult job of choosing just one of the many hopeful children to take Shad's place. A little girl, who the oldest daughter described as "very shy", was finally selected and today she performed her little heart out, possibly better than the grandson would have managed when he was actually faced with a chapel full of people, unlike the empty chapel he sang to during practices.

I guess we'll never know.

I barely shed a tear during the song, but when the bishop got up as a substitute, to recite Shad's speaking part, I will admit I cried quite a few.  This is what the bishop said (prefixed by "I am substituting for Shadrach Smith who, as many of you know, is in the hospital today having chemotherapy"),

"Just like we have a physical body that can get sick, we have a spirit that can get sick too. Jesus Christ chose to suffer in the Garden of Gethsemane and then to die on the cross so that we would be able to repent and return to Heaven."

This paragraph came from a talk that Shad gave earlier in the year in primary sharing time, one that I helped his mom write, and one that has deep significance to me. Physical disease and spiritual disease - two topics that I have given a lot of thought to over the past year. In fact, I have spent countless hours pondering them both and wondering if one is better or worse than the other. I have found that both physical death and spiritual death are horribly painful ideas to contemplate, especially where those I deeply love are concerned. Over the course of the year I have solidified many beliefs on these topics and raised even more questions in my mind and heart, but that is definitely fuel for another blog post.

Back to this post - at first I thought that it was somewhat random that the bishop was chosen to read Shad's "talk", but after thinking about it for awhile I decided that it was definitely an inspired choice.  Who better to share the message of spiritual sickness and the antidote for this disease than the Master Physician's designated representative, the bishop of the ward. One of the bishop's most important roles is to assist the spiritually sick in repenting and using the gift of the atonement to become well again.

The primary children did a great job sharing their thoughts and feelings about the topic "I am a Child of God" and I was glad that I chose to attend. It was worth any sad that I felt.

I do not know why Shad is sick.  I do not know why he had to be in the hospital today instead of in church performing with all his primary friends, where we would have all preferred him to be.  There are a lot of things I don't know and I am daily reminded of that fact, but there are a lot of things I do know and today and every day I will try to focus on what I do know.

I do know that last November we accepted the possibility that Shad would never really get to attend primary as a Sunbeam, that he would be too sick to go to church while he was 3.  However, he was blessed beyond our expectations.  He was in church more Sundays than he missed and every time he was there he walked with his class to and from sharing time and sat in a little chair (or chose not to sit in his chair and stood up or rolled on the floor) and colored pictures and listened to lessons and sang songs and gave talks and scriptures and prayers and learned about being a Child of  God.  He was a Sunbeam in every sense of the word, much more so than we could have imagined, and we have been blessed.

I do know that Shad didn't have to sing in sacrament meeting today or recite his memorized talk to be remembered by many of the members of the Hillsdale ward. His smile and his bravery and his sweet spirit have touched many lives and made a lasting impression. Perhaps his absence will have more impact in the life of some struggling soul than his presence would have had.

We may never know.

I do know that disease is devastating, both physical disease and spiritual disease. But I also know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ we have the ability to overcome both and live with Him and our Heavenly Father again. What a wonderful message that has become emblazoned on my heart during this past year.

I do know that each one of us is a beloved Child of God. He loves his children - those who are physically sick and those who are spiritually sick and those who are trying to be like Him.  He loves each one of us, with a never-ending love that we cannot even begin to imagine. He wants us to come back to Him.

And I do know that if Shad had sung his song in sacrament meeting I would have loved every minute of it, but I wouldn't have recorded it and been able to enjoy it again and again.  I hope you enjoy it too.

Today I am thankful for

a primary teacher and a presidency member who made the trip to the hospital to bring Shad a card from his primary friends and an "I am a Child of God button" for him to proudly wear.

primary music.  I love the spirit it brings.

children.

crockpots, so dinner could cook right in the hospital room.  We really should do that more often.

I Love the Lord (Be Still My Soul)

Yesterday when I was looking for a talk on youtube I ran across this song. It is a paraphrase of 2 Nephi 4 - which is often referred to as Nephi's Psalm. I have a lot of favorite scriptures, but I frequently turn to this chapter - verses 16-35 - when I am down and discouraged and need to be reminded how to get up and move on. It gives me comfort to know that even a prophet as great as Nephi, had moments of doubt, discouragement and self-recrimination, but my favorite part of these verses is how quickly he remembers where his strength comes from and how great, wonderful and merciful the Lord is.

Oh, that I can grow daily to be more like Nephi.



This song was performed at the April 2007 Priesthood Session of conference by the BYU Men's Choir.  The arrangement is by Ronald Staheli and the lyrics were paraphrased by John Tanner.

I was excited to find out that this song is also included on the album entitled "Set Apart" by the BYU Men's Choir which is available to download for FREE right now. Check it out here.  There are a number of great songs.

Welcome March!

My good friend Smitty shared this video with me yesterday and it just makes me smile



and also makes me wish I were Irish or planning a trip to Ireland sometime soon.

The arrival of March makes me smile too.

It's such a beautiful month in my little part of the world.

Today was filled with family

and  flowers

and some basketball

All things I love, that sometimes don't go together very well.

These are the basketball casualties from my garden,

but today,

they even make me smile.

Hello March!

May I spend you singing out loud in God's choir.

Today I am thankful for

family time - to work and talk and play and eat and enjoy some basketball - together.

boys to dig up my weeds.

a phone call from the oldest daughter and Shad.

Why Would Anyone Want to be a Dentist?

I really like my dentist.

He is a very nice man and takes good care of me and my teeth.

However, I do not like to spend time with him.

I don't know why anyone would choose to be a dentist.

I think the whole sticking your hand in everyone else's mouth is pretty gross, but in my opinion that isn't the worst part of the job.

The thing I couldn't handle is the feeling that nobody likes me.

I would get tired of going to work everyday just to hear people complain about having to visit me.

Now, I know there are some people in the world who have perfect dental hygiene and amazingly healthy teeth and all the dentist does when they visit is pat them on the back and say "Good job! See you in 6 months".

They probably enjoy their trips to the dentist.

I have those kinds of visits every now and then, but those usually involve a lot of time with the hygienist and a few seconds with my dentist.

The long visits with Dr. Thomas are the poke and drill and pull and grind procedures that I know are necessary, but definitely not enjoyable.

I am grateful that I live in a day and age where visiting the dentist is an option.

Where Novocaine makes my time in the chair fairly pain free.

Where I get to have my lousy teeth replaced with strong, gold crowns that allow me to continue biting and chewing and enjoying my food.

Don't get me wrong.

I am glad there are individuals out there who choose to be dentists and take care of my teeth, but I will admit that ever since my eldest son was in the musical "Little Shop of Horrors" in high school, the following refrain flows through my head at least once while my dentist works away in my mouth.

You'll be a dentist
(be a dentist)
You have a talent for causing things pain
(pain)
Son be a dentist
(son be a dentist)
People will pay you to be inhumane
(humane)

Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son be a dentist you'll be a success.

Now, my next question is - Why would anyone want to be a proctologist?

He Knows Better Than I

A couple of days ago one of my youngest son's Sunday School teachers died. He was quite young and has 5 children, ages 16 to 2, 3 under the age of 5. There is some question as to the cause of death, but it is most likely that he died of a drug overdose or committed suicide. He has struggled most of his life with some mental illness and drug abuse. He served a mission and married in the temple, but has had long periods of inactivity followed by a renewed desire to do what is right. His family only lived in our ward for about 6 months, but it was during one of his better periods and he had a very positive influence on my son's life. His death has been difficult for my son to understand and I have also struggled with how much information I should share with him as I hear rumors and stories from many different sources. I have chosen to discuss openly all of the possibilities that I can reasonably substantiate, believing that I would rather he hear it from me and we talk about it than he hear it through gossip and silently wonder and worry about it.

Today after church my son asked me "Why are some people's lives so much harder than others?" This is a question that I often ask myself. It seems like no matter how hard some people try they always have challenges while it seems that life just kind of flows along happily for others. I didn't really know how to answer his question. We talked about how sometimes choices that we make or that other people make result in consequences that bring difficulties with them. I also told him that I think Heavenly Father allows us to have challenges so we can learn the things we need to know here on earth and become the person we need to be. I didn't really feel like my answers had made a difference and I wondered what more I could say. I asked his dad and they discussed the subject for awhile with a lot of the same ideas brought out again. Still, I wondered what he was really thinking about the whole question.

Later in the day this son was sitting in the living room singing. He enjoys singing and I will often hear him repeating his current favorite song over and over again. As he sang I tuned in to hear what song was number 1 on his list at the moment. As he sang the same portion of the song a number of times, I didn't recognize it, but the words became clear to me. What he was repeating was a chorus that said:

You know better than I
you know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I.

I still didn't recognize the song, but the message of the song was familiar to me. I felt that this was in part an answer to my question of where my son stood following our discussion from earlier in the day. To me he was acknowledging his faith that I may not have all the answers, and his dad might not have all the answers, but his Heavenly Father has the answers to why. Along with that, the fact that he doesn't know why right now is OK, because God knows why and he knows better than any of us.

I asked the son what the song was and he said it was from the DVD "Joseph King of Dreams". I went online and looked up all the words to the song and was really touched by the entire message.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

I have developed a great love for the story of Joseph over the years. I am amazed by all the things that had to happen to Joseph in order for him to be who he was meant to be and for him to be in a position to literally save his family from death. If he had not been sold into bondage or thrown into prison what would have happened to him and his extended family when the famine occurred? Knowing the end of the story helps me to see the power of God's love and watchful care during the entire experience.

If I could know the end of the story would I better understand the difficulties that occur in my life and in the lives of others? Maybe, but I don't believe I am meant to know the end of the story yet. I need to have faith that Heavenly Father is aware of what is going on. I need to remember that He loves each one of His children, he knows the individual challenges that we each face and he sees the whole picture much better than I do. For right now that is enough for me to know and hopefully it is something that my son is learning as well.

Today I am grateful for

the opportunity to be at church in my own ward. Does it mean I have spent too much time on the road recently if the first thing I do when I sit down on the church bench is look for my seat belt and then I can't concentrate during the meeting because I don't fell safe because I'm not buckled in?
movies that contain positive messages and children who are willing to watch them.
a lesson reminded of by my son.

I Know That My Savior Loves Me

The Primary theme for 2010 is "I Know My Savior Lives". In primary we have been learning a new song that goes along with this theme. It is "I Know That My Savior Loves Me". I don't know why, but every time I hear those sweet children's voices singing this song it brings tears to my eyes. It is such a beautiful testimony of our Savior and His love for each one of us.

Today as I was driving around trying to accomplish some mundane tasks this song kept running through my mind over and over again. I finally decided to fully acknowledge my thoughts and began singing it again and again. It brought a special peace into my day.

Primary songs are one of my favorite parts of serving in Primary. I love having my head and my heart full of these uplifting and comforting songs. How wonderful to be reminded on a frequent basis of the love that my Savior has for me and so many other important gospel principles reinforced by Primary music.

These are the words to the song "I Know That My Savior Loves Me" or you can go here to watch a video with the words and music.

A long time ago in a beautiful place
Children were gathered round Jesus
He blessed and taught as they felt of His love
Each saw the tears on his face.
The love that he felt for His little ones
I know He feels for me.
I did not touch Him or sit on His knee
Yet Jesus is real to me.

I know He lives
I will follow faithfully.
My heart I give to Him.
I know that my Savior loves me.

Now I am here in a beautiful place
Learning the teachings of Jesus.
Parents and teachers will help guide the way
Lighting my path every day.
Wrapped in the arms of my Savior's love
I feel His gentle touch.
Living each day I will follow His way
Home to my Father above.

These words would have been very helpful in my car today because I kind of just made up the words where I wasn't sure and now that I have sung it so many times with a few wrong words and phrases it will be harder to actually learn it correctly. Oh well, the message is still the same regardless.

Today I am thankful for

90% off Christmas items.
Primary music messages.
Cheap fruits and veggies from Superstition Market.

Mormon Channel

I made a fun discovery this morning while I was working on the Ward Bulletin. There is a 24 hour Mormon radio channel that can be heard on the web. It appears to have a wide variety of talks, news, music, and conversation. I have listened to it as I have worked on the computer for about an hour and have really enjoyed it. You can go to the Mormon Channel Home Page or I have added a link to the audio feed in my side bar. Check it out! Another radio/audio feed I like listening to is Soft Sunday Sounds. This station plays religious music with a few conversation segments thrown in. Scroll down to about the middle of the FM 100 page and click the listen link. You might like it too.

McClintock Holiday Concert

Tonight we went to the youngest son's band concert.
When we pulled into the parking lot my hubby said,
"This isn't the Christmas Concert is it?"
and although I agreed with his thinking
that it is a little bit early in the holiday season,
I am very glad that "Yes, it was the Christmas Concert"
and we don't have to go to another one before the 25th.
I have been to a lot of Christmas Concerts over the years.
One year we had kids in 4 different schools,
some in band and choir,
and went to lots and lots of concerts.
Tonight I was trying to figure out how many years
I have attended the McClintock Holiday Concert.
I'm thinking that when the first daughter was a freshman
she was in the JV band and performed on a different night
and the same was possibly true of the youngest son as well.
Last year the hubby and I were flying to Seattle
for my nephew's wedding
at the same time the son was performing
but still I'm thinking this is probably my 8th year
attending this particular event.
This concert is a big tradition at McClintock
and it has some rules that are always adhered to.
The "Christmas Festival" and "Sleigh Ride"
are always performed by one of the groups.
I am a fan of Holiday music at Holiday Concerts.
I am not a huge fan of technically challenging pieces
that sound like every member of the group
is playing their own little song.
To me, music should be pleasing to my ear.
"Christmas Festival" and "Sleigh Ride'
meet this criteria.
Unfortunately, a couple of the songs that
were performed tonight didn't.
Overall, it was a great concert.
The A Capella choir sang "Fruitcake"
which was quite entertaining.
The tradition that I enjoy the most each year
is at the end of the evening
when the A Capella choir and alumni from the choir
gather on the stage and sing "Song of Mary".
They sing it twice and during the second time
the choir moves from the stage
into the side aisles of the auditorium
so by the end of the song you feel as though
you are surrounded by a choir of angels.
I remember the first Holiday Concert
when I experienced this
I was brought to tears.
It was so beautiful.
Each year it never fails to give me the chills.
There has been some controversy over the years
about singing a clearly religious song at a school concert
but so far it continues to be sung
at the conclusion of the performance
and I am extremely grateful.
It truly feels like the Holiday season has begun to me
after I bask in this yearly experience.
Thank you McClintock High School
for another wonderful Holiday Concert.

Today I am thankful for

dedicated teachers who are willing to work with my high school student.
Christmas music.
Holiday traditions that help me to feel the spirit of the season.
the opportunity my children have had to have music in their school experience.
Siblings who support each other during their special events.

The Day Dawn is Breaking

I have decided that I need a laptop computer that can hang around my neck so I can take it with me on my morning walks and blog while I walk. This is definitely when I have my most profound and blog worthy thoughts but by the time I get home, eat breakfast, bid farewell to the remaining family members, shower, get dressed and try to be productive for awhile those ideas have simply disappeared.

The past two mornings it has been absolutely beautiful when I have gone walking. As the days get shorter the sun rise comes a little later every day and when I walk at about 6:30 the sky is lightening with a golden glow but the sun has not quite made it over the mountains yet. There have been scattered clouds both mornings that start out so dark and forboding but become much friendlier as they slowly turn pink, purple and yellow.

There is something so hopeful about a sunrise.

No matter how dark things may appear one moment a few minutes pass and everything becomes brighter.

This morning as I watched this change occur a song popped into my head.

"The day dawn is breaking,
the world is awaking,
the clouds of night's darkness
are fleeing away.
The worldwide commotion,
from ocean to ocean,
Now heralds the time
of the beautiful day."

As I thought about this hymn I was reminded how truly blessed I am to live in a day when the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to the earth. I saw a movie in Sunday School a few years ago that depicted the following story:

An elderly gentleman, Robert Mason, had a strange vision. “I was carried away in a vision and found myself in the midst of a vast orchard of fruit trees. I became hungry and wandered through this vast orchard searching for fruit to eat, but I found none. While I stood in amazement finding no fruit in the midst of so many trees, they began to fall to the ground as if torn up by a whirlwind. They continued to fall until there was not a tree standing in the whole orchard. I immediately saw thereafter shoots springing up from the roots and forming themselves into young and beautiful trees. These budded, blossomed, and brought forth fruit which ripened and was the most beautiful to look upon of anything my eyes had ever beheld. I stretched forth my hand and plucked some of the fruit. I gazed upon it with delight; but when I was about to eat of it, the vision closed and I did not taste the fruit.”
At the conclusion of the vision, Mr. Mason had prayed that the Lord would give him the interpretation. “Then the voice of the Lord came to me saying: This is to show you that my Church is not organized among men in the generation to which you belong; but in the days of your children the Church and Kingdom of God shall be made manifest with all the gifts and the blessings enjoyed by the Saints in past ages. You shall live to be made acquainted with it, but shall not partake of its blessings before you depart this life. You will be blest of the Lord after death because you have followed the dictation of my Spirit in this life.’ ”

I still remember had sad I felt for this man as I watched this movie. He was searching so dilligently for the truth and yet was told that he could never enjoy its blessing during his lifetime. At that moment I realized how lucky I was to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.

When I got home I looked up the hymn "The Day Dawn is Breaking". The rest of the words
gave me such a feeling of peace and hope.

"In many a temple
the Saints will assemble
And labor as saviors
of dear ones away.
Then happy reunion
and sweetest communion
We’ll have with our friends
in the beautiful day."

It so happened tht the man from the above story, Robert Mason, was a good friend and mentor of Wilford Woodruff, who became a president of the church. “The vision was given to him [Father Mason] about the year 1800,” Elder Woodruff wrote. “He related it to me in 1830, the spring in which the Church was organized. Three years later when I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, almost the first person I thought of was this prophet, Robert Mason. Upon my arrival in Missouri with Zion’s Camp, I wrote him a long letter in which I informed him that I had found the true gospel with all its blessings; that the authority of the Church of Christ had been restored to the earth as he had told me it would be; that I had received the ordinances of baptism and the laying on of hands; that I knew for myself that God had established through Joseph Smith, the Prophet, the Church of Christ upon the earth. He received my letter with great joy and had it read over to him many times. He handled it as he had handled the fruit in the vision. He was very aged and soon died without having the privilege of receiving the ordinances of the gospel at the hands of an elder of the Church. The first opportunity I had after the truth of baptism for the dead was revealed, I went forth and was baptized for him in the temple font of Nauvoo.”
Can't you just picture the sweet reunion of Wilford Woodruff and Robert Mason ? I wonder if Joseph Townsend, the author of this hymn, had any idea when he wrote these words how many temples he was actually refering to?

The song continues -
"Still let us be doing,
our lessons reviewing,
Which God has revealed
for our walk in his way;
And then, wondrous story,
the Lord in his glory
Will come in his pow’r
in the beautiful day."

These words from the 3rd verse describe exactly what I feel the general authorites were trying to share with me during our recent general conference.

Do what the Lord asks you to do, keep the commandments, follow the path that he has laid forth and no matter how unsure the future appears you will know how the story will end. The clouds may be dark and worrisome around me but if I just have faith and hope things will become brighter until Jesus returns and brings with him a truly beautiful day.

Beautiful day of peace and rest,
bright be thy dawn from east to west.
Hail to thine earliest welcome ray,
Beautiful bright millennial day."

Today I am grateful for

the gospel of Jesus Christ to guide my life.
reminders of what I need to focus on.
all the temples throughout the world and the saving ordinances that are performed there for those who died before they were able to partake of the truth and blessings of the restored church of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I Want to Scream

My kids use to have a tape that we listened to A LOT.
It was "Safety Kids"
by Janeen Brady and
was produced by Brite Music.

Knowing me I probably still
have it in a box somewhere.

One of the songs on this tape
was about what to do if a stranger
was trying to abduct you.

The words went something like
"Sometimes you have to Scream.
Open up and really yell."

Although I haven't been in danger
of being kidnapped anytime recently
This song somehow reflects how I feel today.

"Sometimes I want to Scream.
Open up and really Yell!
Stomp my Feet and
Throw a Fit.
Yaa-aa-aa,
Sometimes I want to Scream."

And the interesting part is
I really don't know why.

I just feel like having
a lay down on the floor,
kick my hands and feet,
scream at the top of my lungs
two-year-old temper tantrum.

Maybe it's time to request
a release from nursery.

Today I am thankful for
a husband that listens to me rant and rave and just nods and smiles.
A son who lets his dad borrow his truck to drive to work
A roommate that lets my daughter borrow her car to drive to work.

My birthmonth gift to myself today was a bag of Reese's Select Clusters - peanut butter clusters with pecans, peanuts, and caramel. I had a coupon and they were free. Free is good, much better than the clusters were, in my opinion.